I once took a chainsaw to Ted
Til I saw that he barely had bled
I was very delighted
When I watched Ted there bite it
As you’ve guessed it by now he is dead.
There once was a girl that I knew
For dinner I made her a stew
With sugar and spice
And everything nice
That’s how I served her to you.
Here’s a wonderful family of five
That number will soon take a dive
I’ll have had my fun
By the time this is done
Cuz there won’t be a member alive.
I killed one in Kalamazoo
So this Grimmerick will end at line two.
I once killed a man from Sydney
Whose body I stuffed in a chimney
When I took out my knife
He screamed for his life…
He got the point, now didn’t he?
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who got on my nerves, I said ” Fuck it!”
I smashed him to bits
With only three hits
And that’s how he kicked the bucket.
One time I had gone to Peru
While there I had nothing to do
So I gulped down some pills
And went for some kills
Four thousand, six hundred and two.
I once stole a corpse from a wake
When I realized I made a mistake
The old ones are blue
And half turned to goo
The fresh ones are better to take!
There once was a zombie named Dot
Who lived off of flesh and pure rot
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That had grown on the inside of her twat
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Spreading her legs so wide
Along came a spider
That sat down beside her
He took one in whiff and he died!
It’s not a Grimmerick, but it’s funny hrhrhr!
There once was a vampire named Mabel
Who’s periods were very unstable
One night by the moon,
She pulled out a spoon
And drank herself under the table
I came back from the Gothic Cruise
When I heard this unfortunate news…
They discovered a head
In a drawer used for bread
I’m glad no one seems to know whose!
There once was a man from Rockaway
Who buggered a harlot a block away
One night he got stiff,
But she had the Syph,
And now it’s eating his cock away!
I went out to Dracula’s Ball
To go and find people to maul
The DJ was plain
And played songs I disdain
I burned the club down…that is all.
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who I stabbed in my murderous desire
My knife is now in
To the left of her shin
I’ll try next a few inches higher!
There once was a man overseas,
Whose pubes hung down to his knees
The crabs got together
To knit him a sweater
So in winter his junk wouldn’t freeze.
There once was a fellow named Grim
Who took some girl out for a spin
The speedometer rose,
The brake pedal froze…
They found parts of her but not him.
There once was a man from Montclair,
Who was killing his wife on the stair,
The bannister cracked
When he made his attack
So he finished off in the air
There was once a man named Corey
Whose ending I made really gory
He did not even squirm,
As I held him real firm
Til he dropped from the twenty third story
On my block live the neighborhood whores
With their sagging twats covered in sores
The dogs in the street
Will lick the green meat
That hangs down from both sides of their droors.
There was once an old whore that I knew
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin,
” If they pay to get in,
they can pay to get out of it too!”
The once was a fellow at school
Who found red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
Said ” Get out of me clinic!
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!”
Tiffany would often go craze
And she barked at the moon on somedays
By her boyfriends concern,
You’d thought he had learned
Once a month she would go through this phase…
What? She was a werewolf! What the hell did you think I meant???
There was a young lass from Leeds
Who had died of a strange disease
When across her bum
Had started to run
An army of vaginal fleas
There once was a man from china
Who wasn’t a very good climba
He slipped on a rock
And cut off his cock
And a boulder wedged up his mangina
There once was a man named O’ Malley
Who went out with a hooker named Sally
O’ Malley got stiff,
Did you catch the whiff?
He was found dead, ya know…in her alley!
There once was a woman named Phyllis
Whose girly part reeked it could kill us
She picked off the scabs
Which were really crabs
Now there is a story to thrill us!
There once was a boy named McQueen,
Who was buggering a girl named Christine
When out of nowhere
I impaled both the pair
Now they’re both dead at eighteen!
Her parents, if they’d been awake
Would have proven to be my mistake
They were thrown in the water
Right after their daughter
And McQueen…then I took a break.
There once was rnan named Fred
For this Grimmerick we’ll say that he’s dead.
He made no complaints
While I loosed his restraints
Surprised? I just told yeas he’s dead!
A man, while drinking a Bud,
Crashed his car with a sickening thud,
The person he hit,
Was the Grim… hey! No shit!
I’ll drown him to death in his blood!
A woman while drinking green beer
Felt a chainsaw push up to her rear.
I cried ” Erin Go Bra-less”,
She soon became topless,
Cuz the chainsaw came below her brazier…
Topless, get it? I sawed her in half! hrhrhr!
One night some one named Travis…
You want a short story? Well then have this
I reached out to choke
That dastardly bloke
And he said…. (Choking Sound)
I know that doesn’t rhyme because not many words rhyme with a choking sound.
I married a woman Minerva
Who complained that I couldn’t serve her
She complained and complained
And complained and complained
She really got on my last nerva
Now with this woman Minerva
I realized in instant fervor
She’ll complain and complain
And will only refrain
After I’m done with her murder
So guess what I did? I divorced her… head from her body!